Ernie (The Fastest Mikman In The West) lyrics by Benny Hill
Title : ERNIE (THE FASTEST MILKMAN IN THE WEST)Artist : BENNY HILL
Comp : Benny Hill
Copyright : Benny Hill
Reference Number : 1103
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Semi Spoken throughout
** Lyrics shown in UPPER CASE denote backing vocals **
You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground
And the clatter of the wheels as they spun round and round
And he galloped into Market Street his badge upon his chest
His name was Ernie and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue
She lived all alone in Lilly Lane at number twenty two
They said "she was to good for him she was haughty proud and sheik"
But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week
They called him Ernie ERNIE and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
She said she'd like to bathe in milk, he said "all right sweetheart"
And when he finished work one night he loaded up the cart
He said "you want it pasteurized cause pasteurized is best"
She says "Ernie I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest"
And that tickled old Ernie ERNIE and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
Now Ernie had a rival, an evil looking man
Called two ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the bakers van
He tempted her with has treacle tarts and his tasty home meal bread
And when she seen the size of his hot mince pies it very near turned her head
She nearly swooned at has macaroon and he said "now if you treat me right"
You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night
He knew once she sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way
And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day
Poor Ernie ERNIE and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four
And as he leapt down from his van hot blood from his veins did course
And he went across to Ernie's cart and he didn't half kick his horse
Whose name was Trigger TRIGGER and he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west
Now Ernie rushed out into the street his gold top in his hand
He said "if you wanna marry Suzie you'll fight for her like a man"
"Oh why don't we play cards for her" he snearingly replied
"And just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the side"
Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun
They stood there face to face and Ted went for his bun
But Ernie was to quick thing didn't go the way Ted planned
And a strawberry flavored yogurt sent it spinning from his hand
Now Sue she ran between them and tried to keep them apart
And Ernie he pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart
And he looked up in pained surprise and the concrete hardened crust
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust
Poor Ernie ERNIE and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
Ernie was only fifty-two he didn't wanna die
And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky
Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned
And a milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy dairy land
But a woman's needs are many fold and Sue she married Ted
But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed
Was that the trees a rustling or the hinges of the gate
Or Ernie's ghostly god tops a rattling in their crate
They won't forget Ernie ERNIE
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west...
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Transcribed and programmed by : George Wood
Copyright (C)1997
